I’m Andrea Stasyszen. I’m a wife of nearly 12 years (pastor’s wife at that) and a high school math teacher. Mother of 3: 1 by birth, 2 by adoption but certainly all mine!
Oh yeah, and I have infertility.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but if you don’t have issues with infertility then please don’t tell me about your friend’s sister’s cousin and what they did to finally have a baby. I have had a medical team of professionals and I’m sure they thought about it already.
Don’t tell me you understand, because you don’t unless you’ve walked through it for years and years.  I’m really not trying to be harsh. But you see, in my opinion, infertility is one of the most horrible things that can happen to a woman and such remarks, while well intended, hurt to the very core of my being.
One simple command God gave to women (and men)—go forth and multiply. And it’s that one simple thing that I can’t do and have absolutely no control over. And in case that empty longing inside your heart isn’t enough of a reminder of your daily failure to meet everyone’s expectations, there is a monthly reminder that tells you that you are not woman enough.
Having tried for a birth child for the last 10 years has taught me a lot about myself.
I’m not strong enough. I can’t be good enough. I haven’t screwed up. God’s not disappointed or displeased with me. There is absolutely nothing that I can do more or less of to get God to give me a baby in my body. And I certainly can’t take on enough duties to where I’m completely exhausted in mind, spirit, and soul in an attempt to get God to notice me and please fix me.
It’s an absolutely exhausting roller coaster to ride and can be very lonely.
Why do I share this deepest secret of my soul with you? Why do I open up one of the most intimate areas of my life? Because despite it all, I believe that God has a plan in all of this. This plan is bigger than me, bigger than my life. It’s a plan that’s so amazing I can’t fully comprehend it. I only see it when I let God have complete control and trust that He will work ALL THINGS to my good because I love him and I’m called according to His purposes.
I know so many women struggle with infertility or some facet of it. And I want you to know today– God loves you. Just sit, close your eyes and let that sink deep within your spirit. Say it out loud, “God really loves me.â€Â There is hurt that comes from walking this path, but He is there to heal it; fear, but He is there to comfort; a deep sadness, He is there to lift up.
We all face areas of our life that are out of our control. No matter how much we try to cling onto a thread of “I’m still in charge,†it’s not ours. It’s exhausting to keep reaching until we feel disappointed and hopeless. It’s much more fulfilling to GIVE it to God and breathe deeply that He will take care of it for you.
Do you know today that God has your best in His heart? He’s not trying to punish you. Whatever lack or abundance you have, His divine love shapes and directs–redefining us in the light of grace.
You might just need God’s love to flow over you and heal a broken spot deep within you. In fact, I know you do.
What are you trying to hold onto today that you need to go ahead and let go of? What areas do you need to give God’s love more access to?
32 Comments
I can’t say I relate. But I have many close friends fighting the same battles. I see their hope for the next treatment and heartache when it doesn’t work. I’ve also seen the joy in adoption, a course many have chosen to take (and one I am passionate about myself). No, I can’t relate, but I admire your faith and am grateful for you sharing this. It is ok. God still loves you. And there is a purpose behind it all. Great reminders regardless of circumstance.
Frank recently posted..What is your Churchs Strength
Thanks, Frank. I am also EXTRMEMLY passionate about adoption.
Andrea: I cannot relate to your feelings except to “bleed” with you. You have no idea how much this elevates you and Jason and you willingness to follow God and plant a church in Alaska in my eyes. One thing I hope I am allowed to say: I appreciate that you and Jason have adopted 2 others and given them the love and security that they would have been missing. Blessings to you both.
Bill (cycleguy) recently posted..Input Needed
I certainly believe that God is working my illness for good- our adopotion was a dream come true (after we fought hell). But I hold on to a promise that another child is still yet to be ours. Thanks, Bill.
Andrea, I am unable to conceive. You voiced the struggle for well. There isn’t much more for me say…
Helen recently posted..The Green Police
Helen, I pray for God’s abounding love to touch you today. I don’t know how women walk through this struggle without God to continually heal them and comfort them. Thank you so much for the comment.
quote: It’s an absolutely exhausting roller coaster to ride and can be very lonely.
hello Andrea:)
…this a first for me to respond to one of your posts. whether you believe it or not, i can easily relate to what you are saying. and to think this is coming from a male!!! unlike my two brothers (both of whom are fathers) i was destined to never fathering any child. you were/are blessed. unlike yourself, i have a checkered past which also barred/locked all the doors even for adoption. you’re absolutely correct about it being an emotional roller coaster. it’s bad enough when you’re on that because of what you’re dealing with…but it’s far worse when your spouse that wants to feel “complete” helps you get back on that roller coaster that you’ve ridden too many times already.
Hi Bud, nice to meet you.
It’s certainly true that the man who stands with a woman during those years deserves an award of sorts. I can’t count the times that Jason has had to pick up the pieces of me and try to patch me back together so I could make it through another day -- thank goodness he had God’s help. Speaking of adoption -- feel free to ignore me on this part- have you looked at adopting an embryo (snowflakes program) or a foster to adopt program? Their rules differ from traditional domestic and international programs.
Thank you for sharing your roller coaster today, and may God’s love pour deeply into you.
hello again, Andrea…
in my first marriage, my wife and i had a daughter by means of artificial insemination. our daughter Shannon knows that i am not her biological father because after the divorce my ex “informed” her of it. now it’s like there’s a defined/definite separation not only between my ex and myself….but Shannon as well. it’s like “dad doesn’t exist.” guess you could put it in the dysfunctional family catagory. as for the programs you suggested, my wife and i are too old now. besides, she is too busy in a full time professional career. as much as she’s thrown it in my face about my inability to give her a child, had it happened…i would have had to raise the child. instead, we’ve poured our lives into a nephew who we take with us whenever we travel. plus, we are going to help him to attend college. like other folks….we consider our two dogs, our kids:) that goes against the grain for some to call an animal a kid. but leastways these animals or kids, if you will…don’t voice hurtful things to you:) have a wonderful day, Andrea…in His Presence!!!
It’s so awesome you are allowing God to work through you for your nephew. And as an AVID pet lover (Jason would tell you all about this)- I understand about pets.
Keep declaring God’s word over your daughter; His love never fails. May you also have a wonderful day.
Hi,
I would like to invite you to visit our website to research the numerous opportunities available for embryo adoption:
http://3babes2jens1cause-embryoadoption.blogspot.com/
We would love to help you and anyone else interested in EA.
Hugs!!!
2 Jens
Jen McLaughlin recently posted..We SURVIVED!!
I suppose I hold on to a lot of things. It’s been helpful to finally come to understand that it’s okay to allow myself to be angry with God, as long as I’m crying out to Him instead of running away. Surprisingly enough, I found out he can handle it. Always enjoy your posts here, Andrea.
katdish recently posted..Tolerating me by Billy Coffey
I love that God is big enough to accept ALL of me.
It’s just so awesome, it makes me smile. Thank you for the comment.
It’s been awhile since I’ve stopped by Endless Impact. I’ve missed posts like this.
Well, I’ve missed you too, Brett. Thanks for stopping by.
Thanks, Brett.
Andrea, I thank God for the gift that He gave me in you. I can safely say that I don’t know anyone with the level of strength, passion, and tenderness that I see in you. You’re amazing and there’s no one I would rather be on the roller coaster with. I love you.
But what I look forward to most, Love, is sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch with you and laughing about this roller coaster as soon as we’re off.
Love ya!
Amen to that.
Andrea, I so appreciate what you’ve shared here. How brave you are to stand here before virtual strangers and open your wounds for us! And how Christlike that is. Jesus stood before His disciples in the Upper Room and invited them to look into His wounds, too. And it gave them life. And so like Him, you’re a lifegiver. Thank you so much!
I’m single. I’m childless. And if my personal team of medical professionals is to be believed, I will always be childless. In fact, this past spring, they tried to talk me into surgery to make certain of it. (I said no.)
For me, it was like a death sentence to part of who I believe I’ve been called to be. God created me (and all women) to be a lifegivers. And when I’m not able to give life, it’s a deep blow against who I am. And any blow against who I am spirals me into shame. The enemy says, “You’re so messed up that you can’t even do the most basic thing that you were created to do.” He says that God doesn’t love me. Doesn’t trust me. That it’s punishment for my past. That I don’t deserve to be who God’s called me to be.
As I hang here in the balance of holding off the doctors and trying to cling to hope for the future, I’m going to choose each day to cling to the One Who gave me life and to allow Him to be a lifegiver through me. Even while I’m feeling inferiority and lack (and honestly, a measure of self-hatred) I’m going to spite the enemy by sharing the life of Christ in any little way I can. Today, it’s a blog post and tonight, it’s going to be a study of the first chapter of John with a friend who’s finding her way back to Christ after a painful divorce. And if the enemy still wants to tell me that I’m not a lifegiver, I’m going to remind myself that he’s a liar and that whether I ever bear a child or not, because of Christ, I am a lifegiver.
Sarah Salter recently posted..Breaking All the Rules
All those feelings ring so true, Sarah. Just remember in those moments to keep declaring what God has spoken over your life and what He’s called you to complete. The older I get, the more assured I am that EVERYTHING works to the good of those that love God. Thanks for posting.
Thanks so much for sharing this part of your life with us.
And thanks for stopping by to read it and comment!
Thank you for being willing to share this with us! It takes courage to discuss this with others because I know some people’s reactions can be so insensitive. God bless you as you continue to ride that rollercoaster & cling to Him.
Melissa Brotherton recently posted..Turning
Thanks, Melissa.
I think you and Jason are two of the most courageous people I know. Thanks for the honesty in your post and pointing it all back to the Father’s love for us!
Anytime I can speak of God’s deep love for our lives and how He cares about each and every aspect- I am blessed. I think my man is pretty amazing too!
Thank you for sharing your heart. I cannot relate to some of what you have written, but I can relate to feelings of inadequacy and hurt which at my weakest moments try to overtake me. And I can relate to having a loving spouse (wife in my case), willing to help me stand again and continue in faith.
I know that God has a plan far greater than we can comprehend. I trust that all things work together for the good of those who are called according to His purpose.
I am praying for you and Jason daily. Continue strong in your faith. Continue allowing God to use in the midst of your circumstances in this storm tossed life. Know without a doubt that you matter and that you are making a difference.
Dusty Rayburn recently posted..Meeting Need
Thanks for the encouragement, Dusty. People are lying if they say they never feel inadequate or such- at least that’s my humble opinion. That leaves room for God to work in all of us.
Andrea ~
I can’t think of a single thing I might say that hasn’t been said. So if you don’t mind, I’ll just sit here a moment, hold you in my heart, and pray that the Lord makes sweet all the bitter waters of tears.
Anne Lang Bundy recently posted..Dare Mighty Things
Thanks, Anne.
Hi Andrea! So wonderful to read your writing — and to be so powerfully encouraged at our first “meeting”. Thank you for sharing your story and truth so beautifully and honestly, so that when I got to this --
“It’s much more fulfilling to GIVE it to God and breathe deeply that He will take care of it for you.”
It sank all the more real into my heart. I wish there was a different way to experience God’s care for me, but thankfully, I am wrong.